


i’ve healed everything (but my shame)

by stardustgirl



Series: Rebels Oneshots [72]
Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Blind Kanan Jarrus, Canon Compliant, Depression, Dialogue Heavy, Ezra Bridger Needs a Hug, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Parental Kanan Jarrus, Post-Episode: s02e21-22 Twilight of the Apprentice, Post-Star Wars Rebels: Steps Into Shadow, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-22
Updated: 2019-07-22
Packaged: 2020-07-10 12:23:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19905658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stardustgirl/pseuds/stardustgirl
Summary: Hey Mr. Stargazer...It's strange how the days layerAnd weigh on you years later—“Straight Razor” by Matt Maeson|~~~|Ezra has a rough time.  Kanan helps.Post-“Steps Into Shadow.”





	i’ve healed everything (but my shame)

**Author's Note:**

> Tonight was rough, so. Heed the tags.
> 
> Title from “Straight Razor” by Matt Maeson.
> 
> TW: Suicidal Thoughts

“What’s wrong?”

He hears Kanan come up behind him more than sees him and shrugs, half to himself, half to Kanan. “Nothing.”

The Jedi sits next to him, and a quick glance to the side reveals that his mask is on. “Oh, come on, kiddo. I know you better than that.” Ezra remains silent, and his master sighs. “Is it the kind of nothing where nothing’s the matter or where it doesn’t matter to anyone else?”

Ezra shrugs again, gaze sliding back to look over the valley beyond the coral shelf. “The kind where it doesn’t matter to anyone else, I think.”

Kanan doesn’t respond, and they sit in silence.

Ezra thinks, thinks over everything that’s happened in the last seven months—Malachor, Kanan’s depression rearing its ugly head in full force once more, his own doing the same, the failed mission. Since Kanan started talking to him again, it’s been a bit better, for both of them.

Still, there’s nights where Ezra remembers what the holocron told him, remembers the truths it reminded him of.

_The rest of the rebellion doesn’t appreciate you._

_If you weren’t a Jedi, and they weren’t terrified of you, they would’ve killed you already._

_You might as well have blinded Kanan yourself._

“Something the matter, Ezra? Something that you _do_ wanna talk about?”

He’s silent for a few minutes more before shaking his head, resting it on top of his knees again. Beside him, he feels his master shift his weight, spreading his palms across his legs before he begins to speak.

“Do you mind if _I_ talk, then?”

“No,” he says in a quiet voice. “I don’t.”

“Alright. Well….After Malachor, when I was...distant….I felt a lot of things. A lot of them similar to how you feel, now, I think.”

 _You have no clue how I feel,_ he thinks with a bitter smile.

“And I know that what you’re feeling is...different. But I promise...I promise that we’re here for you, Ezra. I know it may seem rough at times,” another bitter smile, because Kanan has _no idea,_ none of them do, “but we’re still here. And we’ll always _be_ here. Even on the days where you’re like me, when you’re just...feeling like maybe the world could go on without you. And I won’t lie to you, it would. But it wouldn’t be the same, Ezra.” _No, of course not. It’d be_ better. “ _I_ wouldn’t be the same without you, Ezra. And I’m not talking about– about Malachor.” Kanan’s breath rattles when he inhales, and the exhale is sharp, as if a weight is yanked from him at the same time. “I’m talking about as a _person,_ Ezra. You’ve made me who I am. Before you came...before you came, our crew stuck to Lothal. We didn’t help the galaxy as a whole.”

“Before I came, the galaxy as a whole didn’t know you were a Jedi,” Ezra cuts in, voice hollow. “The galaxy as a whole didn’t know _you._ ”

“You’ve got a point. But we make sacrifices. Sacrifices that...that may _seem_ like they’re taking the world from us, Ezra, but they’re not. The world isn’t about Lothal, it isn’t about Coruscant, it isn’t even about the galaxy. It’s about the people in it. It’s about me, Hera, Sabine, Zeb, even Chopper.

“It’s about _you,_ Ezra. My world wouldn’t be the same without you. The Jedi could come back, and it _still_ wouldn’t be the same. You know why? Because _you_ wouldn’t be in it.”

Kanan falls silent, and Ezra finds himself slowly leaning toward the man until a warm arm encircles him and pulls him closer.

“Thanks.”

“Anytime, kiddo. Anytime.”

The edge doesn’t seem so inviting anymore.


End file.
